Well, at least your breath won't smell and you won't get pregnant.\n\n<<display 'Put Some Clothes On'>>
You still worry about being safe in a room, you still don't like being touched by most people, you still don't like having your back to a crowd, you still don't like large groups of men walking together, you still remember the blood and the bruises and the nausea and waking up shaking uncontrollably and feeling disgusted at yourself for feeling disgusting. You've had all of this for over 10 years.\n\nAnd now in addition you worry about how much of your travel patterns to advertise, how much of your city to Instagram, which events if any to publicize your attendance of, the safety of the people who live with you...\n\nAh well, they couldn't manage to rape you to death all the hundreds of times they said they would, it'll probably never happen.\n\nAnd you lived through it once anyway.\n\n<<display 'Lunch?'>>
It's morning.\n\n[[you don't have a choice, get up|Awake]]
You get yourself to the T & bus station, hop on a train for 2 stops, then walk across the entire length of North Station to the EZRide pickup spot. At least the EZRide stops right outside your office.\n\nYour trip is too disjointed to read, listen to music, or play a game, so you just focus on hiding how much you hate every other human being around you.\n\n<<display 'Work AM'>>
Instead of working you <html><a href="http://www.auntiepixelante.com/twine/">learn Twine</a></html> and make this game. So, that's something new.\n\nYou don't know how to end the game any more than you know how to be better at everything you're so, so bad at right now. So you just stop typing.
You contemplate the idea of being on not one, but two different T lines during rush hour, and then decide that today isn't actually the day to throw yourself in front of a train. \n\nYou commute some other way, but for a brief moment you actively chose not to kill yourself, which feels nice.\n\n<<display 'Work AM'>>
Why can't you just get ready faster somehow? It looks bad to show up during a regular time, you're an early-bird worker, you aren't trying hard enough. Everyone can see how awful you are, why can't you at the very least move faster in the morning? If you really cared about this job, you'd get your shit together.\n\n<<display 'Lunch?'>>
Well, your appetite is gone, so it's not such a big deal that you don't have anything to eat, anyway.\n\n[[back to work|Work PM]]
The eggs are kind of gross and not how you like them, but you're supposed to eat protein in the morning, so shut up.\n\n[[Go to work|MBTA]]
Now it's time for breakfast.\n\n[[make and eat eggs|Eggs]]\n[[cut up some apple slices and eat them on the bus|Apple]]\n[[don't eat anything|Loser]]
You quickly sort through your unread emails and Outlook tasks. Doing stuff makes you feel more confident in your ability to do more stuff. Phew, maybe you just had a bad morning.\n\nThen you come across a 2-week-old email from your boss asking you to do something you don't understand, but which you didn't immediately respond to, and so now copping to not knowing how to do it feels like a fire-able offense. You are probably blowing this out of proportion.\n\n[[berate yourself for not knowing how to do everything perfectly already|Perfection]]\n[[berate yourself for not having total control over your emotions|Emotional]]
Now it's time to experience the waking nightmare of trying to travel 2 miles in the greater Boston area on public transit.\n\n[[walk to the bus and then walk from the bus stop to your office|Fresh air]]\n[[take a bus to another bus and then walk from the bus stop to your office|Buses]]\n[[walk or take a bus to the T to the EZRide which stops outside your office|North Station Hellscape]]\n[[walk or take a bus to the T, transfer to another T line, and then walk from the T station to your office|Why the fuck would you do this?]]\n[[just fucking walk the whole way|Walk]]
If you were even half as great as you like to think you are, you wouldn't be fucking this up so badly. You call yourself smart, but you keep making stupid mistakes, so honey it's time to stop calling yourself anything but what you are. A fucking failure.\n\n<<display 'Lunch?'>>
Once you're at your office, you make your way to your desk. You contemplate using the standing desk instead of sitting all day, then quickly dismiss that idea because you're tired already and it's not even noon.\n\nYou realize as you sit down that you forgot to pack and bring lunch. Food wasted and money wasted.\n\nSince you can't even do simple things successfully (apparently), you feel less than optimistic about how much you're going to get done today.\n\n[[check your email|Email]]\n[[check your project list|Projects]]\n[[check Twitter|Twitter]]
Your morning routine is to brush your teeth, clean your nightguard, take your vitamins and birth control pill, and take a shower.\n\n[[do the whole routine|Good Girl]]\n[[brush your teeth and take your birth control pill|The Basics]]\n[[don't do any of the routine, just get dressed|Bad Girl]]
You review your list of follow-up items and start chasing down information and responding to contacts about your 15 different active projects. Doing stuff makes you feel more confident in your ability to do more stuff. Phew, maybe you just had a bad morning.\n\nThen your boss makes coffee without asking you if you want any, which is clearly a sign that you aren't doing as well as expected and you're going to get fired.\n\n[[berate yourself for not being perfect enough to know you're perfect|Perfection]]\n[[berate yourself for not getting to work so early it'd be impossible to not be included in the coffee-making ask|Coffee]]
Whenever there is a spare moment in your day, you will make sure to berate yourself for not doing things correctly this morning.\n\n<<display 'Put Some Clothes On'>>
Hating yourself is no excuse for doing things that will make you hate yourself even more. Loser.\n\n[[Go to work|MBTA]]
Now it's time to get dressed. You've managed to cull your wardrobe down to only basics that all fit you and mostly go together. This is probably the least fretful you'll be all day. Enjoy it.\n\n[[Maude bless the inventor of black leggings|Breakfast?]]
There are so few actively sympathetic people working in videogames, every time you go to a large industry event, one or more people seek you out to tell you their story. "Story" is code for, "the time or times I was sexually assaulted and/or raped and/or stalked and/or harassed by someone else working in the videogame industry."\n\nYou usually end up perversely wishing it had happened to you instead, because you can hit pretty hard and you don't have a Serious Career In Games to worry about "ruining". Instead you feel like the Secret Joe McCarthy of Videogames, with a list in your head of rapists and assailants and harassers and abusers. People like playing their games.\n\nFuck videogames.\n\n<<display 'Lunch?'>>
Every Day
You stupid overreacting idiot, why can't you just fucking reign it in and stop getting all weepy at your desk over nothing? You always do this, why do you always do this, you'd think eventually you'd fucking learn. Dumb bitch.\n\n<<display 'Lunch?'>>
.passage { width: 600px !important}\na { color: #b4d455; }\n\n\n
You walk for 10 or so minutes to the T & bus station, grab the limited-service bus, and then walk 5 minutes from that bus's closest stop to your office.\n\nThroughout, you listen to a custom Spotify playlist you made 2 weeks ago and try to remember what it felt like to love a song.\n\n<<display 'Work AM'>>
Ah, apple slices. Exactly what you want to eat right now, and you'll be hungry again within an hour. Way to make bad choices.\n\n[[Go to work|MBTA]]
You catch one of 2 different bus lines that take you to the T & bus station, grab the limited-service bus, and then walk 5 minutes from that bus's closest stop to your office.\n\nYou play Infinity Blade on your phone and drain 20% of the battery.\n\n<<display 'Work AM'>>
Everyone on your friends list is holding hands and singing Kumbaya like they sometimes do, a self-congratulatory celebration of feelings that doesn't actually change anyone's behavior, including theirs. You wonder where the feel-good feminist hashtags will be when it's time to do even more business with the same sorts of sexist, abusive men they always end up doing business with.\n\nYou used to tell yourself that <html><a href="http://debacle.tumblr.com/">allowing yourself to be destroyed in public</a></html> would help or educate the people watching, but it didn't, it just kind of destroyed you. \n\nBut nobody loves a quitter.\n\n[[berate yourself for ever being interested in the videogame industry|Games]]\n[[berate yourself for still caring about being targeted, harassed, and threatened by fans|Oh that]]
You have never actually walked from your house to your office. A future version of yourself will realize while making this game that, per Google Maps, it actually takes slightly less time to walk than any of the public transit options available to you.\n\nFuck you, MBTA.\n\n\n<<display 'Work AM'>>
Yay you actually did what you're supposed to do.\n\n<<display 'Put Some Clothes On'>>
Courtney Stanton